Want to project the appearance of a consummate pro? Yearn to demonstrate the value of your Wine Spectator subscription?

It's time to get SERIOUS about wine, because wine is no laughing matter. It's all about appreciation, and appreciation is about knowing a lot of French words, filling a mental library with obscure fruits, and having a descriptive lexicon fit for MENSA.

Don't fit the bill? Sorry, it's going to be tough for you to enjoy wine the proper way. However, being able to act the part will at least spare you some well-deserved embarrassment in the hallowed presence of wine and its deserving experts.

I've created a cheat-sheet of phrases for you poor souls who aren't good enough to enjoy wine. Memorize these phrases for the next wine tasting you attend. DO NOT DEVIATE from these phrases, and you might- someday- be able to call yourself a wine expert.

1. "Sacre bleu! This Gigondas is so redolent of garrigue."

2. "I don't drink New World plonk."

3. "A flamboyant bouquet of lychee and sandalwood... this is textbook Gewurztraminer."

4. "Ooooh. This wine just screams for braised jackrabbit haunches."

5. "It's as if they took my childhood summers in Provence and put them in a glass. Don't you agree?"

6. "This is an excellent expression of Rheingau terroir. I only drink terroir-driven wines."

7. "Piedmont?! Last time I checked, the Italians called it 'Piemonte'."

8. "French oak barriques are the only way to go, as long as they come from Alliers."

9. "This reminds me of the wines I used to drink."

10. "I don't just drink wine. I appreciate it."

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But then again, at times, some of us just want to drink boxed wine out of an empty beer can.