Saturday, January 15, 2011

Special Saturday Edition: I'm pretty sure Green Bay is a miserable place, and Fever wine

Do you know this guy?*

Of course...we all do. He's the obnoxious, despicable Packers fan that lives down the street from you, next door to the obnoxious, despicable Steelers fan (hopefully more on the latter down the road a few weeks).

But, let me guess: you don't live in Green Bay, Wisconsin, do you?

Nobody lives in Green Bay, Wisconsin. Why? Because it's cold. And it's miserable. People drink Leinies like there's a prize at the bottom of the bottle. Green Bay folk gorge themselves on bratwurst and cheese by the fistful... not because it's all tasty (I gotta hand that to 'em), but because one has to develop an ample layer of winter blubber to survive temperatures that would make even Walt Disney and Ted Williams' head cringe.

These described are the few hearty folks. It's a pathetic story, but I harbor no ill-will towards those who keep their maniacal Packers-fandom within the state. No, my bugaboo is with the millions of Packers fans- who have seemingly multiplied like a pack of rats on an episode of Hoarders- encroaching on our warm and beautiful corners of this great nation.

They moved in quietly. Befriended us. Invited us to the weekend cookout with a friendly smile and a joke. Our guards were let down when they wooed our vigilance into submission with their "aw shucks" demeanor, Polska kielbasa, hot cheese soup, and 30-packs of Schlitz. We got too comfortable, as their splinter cell slowly festered.

Then.... there was polka music. And the chicken dance. Those blasted cheese hats. Packers theme songs so horrendous they make Travis Tritt's '04 anthem,"Falcons Fever", sound like Beethoven's 5th Symphony.

Oh, and those horrible green-and-yellow jogging suits. Listen: unless you're a leprechaun or Flava Flav, you should never be wearing that much green and yellow together.

They talked about Brett Favre more than ESPN. Now, it's Aaron Rodgers. Everything revolves around the Packers. Why? BECAUSE THERE'S ABSOLUTELY NOTHING ELSE GOING ON IN GREEN BAY.

Now, take Atlanta. A beautiful city. Attractive people. A vibrant food and drink scene. Top-notch bloggery**. And a team you can get behind. I welcome all of you around the nation to jump on the Atlanta Falcons bandwagon. If you don't have a dog in the fight tonight, put on some red and black. It's fashionable, and you'll want to stand out from the crowd, especially in the inevitable presence of gaggles of Packers fans, no matter where in the nation you call "home".

Granted, you'll need to dull your senses a bit to deal with the constant blather about how the Super Bowl trophy is named after Vince Lombardi, ESPN's schoolgirl man-crush on Aaron Rodgers, and Clay Matthews' WWE haircut. Here are some wines you can knock back during game time:

Anything from Georgia: A quick drive up to the Dahlonega Plateau can source you plenty of the surprisingly good wines that are coming out of North Georgia. Some can even be found in metro retail stores. Check out Montaluce, Yonah Mountain Vineyards, Persimmon Creek Vineyards, Frogtown Cellars, Wolf Mountain Vineyards, Serenity Cellars, Blackstock, Three Sisters Vineyards, and Tiger Mountain Vineyards, to name a few. Drink local, cheer local. Granted, many of you won't have time to source these by game time. Hope is that there will be another game next week, so stock up when you can.

Falcon Nest Vineyard: wines from Paso Robles. The name pretty much says it all. Nationwide, finding a wine from California is much more likely. Look for one with a bird of prey on it if you're in a bind. Birds of prey are cool, and they're all cousins to falcons, so it'll work in a pinch...

...and when you're looking for munchies to pair with that glass of vino, why not give the cheese a rest. Like the rats that they are, it might attract Packers fans.

Go Falcons.

*seriously, do you know him? I pulled this photo off the interweb, and I wanted to give proper credit.

**a debatable statement, indeed.

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