Showing posts with label Valentine's Day. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Valentine's Day. Show all posts
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
An Awkward Gentleman's Guide to February 14th
Like a sacrificial human heart from a Temple of Doom victim's body cavity, I, too, am torn.
With February 14th- Valentine's Day- upon us, what measure of tight science could I serve up to my bros on the blog? And why did I just say "bros"?
Admittedly, I have some chops in the wine-knowledge department. I can cook my way around the kitchen, I suppose. And, I make a mean chocolate monkey. If I really, REALLY, applied myself, I imagine a list of smooth things to say, cool wines to order, foods that make women happy, and slick moves at the restaurant could materialize that would help a single cat or kitty woo the filly or beefcake he's/she's after.
But rather than searching for needles of suavity in a haystack of ineptitude with the opposite sex, why don't we focus on the haystack. Because I've pulled a hell of a lot more disaster-y than mastery in the arena of love. So, grab your pitchfork and listen up if you don't want to definitely not get lucky today:
Gifts to Avoid:
- Carob
- Lane Bryant gift card
- Rogaine for Her
- 5 lbs. of Veal
Commenting on her appearance:
- "You're hotter than any of the moms on Toddlers & Tiaras."
- "Someone's looking sensible tonight!"
- "Meow! Move over, Greta Van Susteren."
At Dinner:
- "Say you're my daughter... the kid's meal is free."
- "If we eat enough of the bottomless salad bowl and breadsticks, we can split a meal."
- "The lady will have the Grand Slam Breakfast, please."
- "Do you want the chicken, or the beef Mexi-melt?"
In the Boudoir:
- "Errrrr... Mexi-melts."
- "Let's make eight babies!"
- "Are you familiar with micro-phallus?"
- "I have night terrors, but not always."
- "'No' really means 'yes', right?"
- Screaming "IT'S A BOY!"
Sunday, February 13, 2011
When a card just doesn't cut it.
If you're like me, you have special lady in your life (or special fella, but that would make you a little less like me). Furthermore, if you're like me, it's the late evening of February 13th, and you've done nothing in preparation for Valentine's Day.
I chalk up V-Day as a necessary evil. February doesn't have a signature holiday, and groundhogs just don't have the star power or panache to carry the month. The feast day was established for martyred Saint Valentinus, but was no-doubt augmented by some mushy card-pusher who was way-into love, teddy bears, and cute little pink hearts. Sorry, I don't cotton to cute little pink hearts...
Anyway, the easy out is to grab a card at the grocery store, scrawl an Air Supply lyric between the fold, add various "X's" and "O's", and hope for the best, banking on the old adage, "it's the thought that counts." Problem is, when was the last time you appreciated a card that didn't have money or a Bass Pro Shops gift card nuzzled within? We've got to do better.
Jewelry? Too expensive.
Roses? Not only are they inedible, but they die after a few days. Plus, in this desperate eleventh-hour situation, the shrewd rose hawkers know they can stick it to poor souls like me who's wives go gaga for their racket. Roses are b.s. Don't do it.
What about chocolates? Too fattening, and the Valentine's ones seem to always be filled with disgusting pink mystery goo; no doubt the boiled-down and reconstituted remains of unsold Christmas candy.
Gentlemen (and ladies in a similar predicament), there's only one option left. In my case, sheer physical perfection is not that option. No, in order to turn this season of stress into a lovers' cruise, we all need to summon our inner "Isaac the Bartender" and set sail on a romantic journey fueled by the sensual power of booze...
...wine, in particular. Is there any beverage more pleasurable to the senses? Forget the flowers and the chocolate. If you crack a good bottle and throw together a decent meal, the power of wine will take over.
In some personal research studies, wine has been shown to let guards down 100% of the time. It increases laughter at least by 50%. Wine erases irritation over the absence of gifts of jewelry, chocolate, and/or roses 75% of the time (rate is in direct correlation with the volume of wine consumed).
In an unrelated study, a couple glasses of wine drastically improve the ability to make up fake statistics.
Most importantly, though, a winning "Isaac the Bartender" smile, combined with an "Isaac the Bartender" carefree-and-fun-loving spirit (plus some wine) can often lead to romance. The odds increase dramatically if you are Isaac the Bartender. That mustache is astounding. Here's to you, Isaac. You magnificent bastard.
I guess what I'm trying to say is: if you want to stack the odds for love this Valentine's Day- be that a snuggle, some smooches, or full-on Animal Planet-type stuff- snag a bottle of wine, pour a couple glasses, and see where the night takes you.
If anything, it's a good excuse to drink on a Monday night.
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